The last few years have been an emotional dust storm.
But, not an ordinary dust storm we might see outside the local gas station in the Nevada desert, I mean, Mars-like dust storms of colossal size, engulfing an entire planet in a gritty, oxygen starving cloud that you would think was an assault from Mars himself.
Most of which, has been spent revisiting the dark memories my mind has suppressed since my professional class disruptor days in the 1st grade.
A few years back, I suppose you could say that I wanted to learn to live, having laid aside the desire, not, to live.
Like any other human has seen when finally looking up after all is lost; I was drowning in problems.
The most severe of which, were cognitive.
No matter, all of the above had to be addressed.
However, when I began to sift through what seemed to be a file cabinet of issues, I began noticing an interesting pattern.
And, I have to say, it was both bitter, and sweet.
The first thing that I noticed, was, the cause of the problems.
Which is great because that is what is needed to dismantle them, or, one of the most important pieces of data in doing so, I should say.
I remember truly thinking all of my problems were external, i.e, it was everyone and everything, and not me. (Some very much are.)
So I needed to get rid of it:
“All of this shit has to go!”
Thing is, the cause, in almost every case, was me.
It was a sickening feeling.
To peer out at the life in which you would assess as a disaster knowing that, not the elements you have blamed for so long are why the buildings that could be standing are burnt to a crisp, but, you, are the one at fault.
Of course, it would be a hard argument to make that biological issues like neurotransmitter problems in the brain find faults back to me.
However, I can, for the environmental + psychological sources that contribute to the anguish-dampened physiological cloud hovering in my frontal lobe.
Am I at fault for my most all my suffering, no.
Although, a lot of the tasks needed to improve my life (still working on that project) involved having to first take an in depth look at, me.
It seems that we humans have these things in our brains called constructs (George Kelly – Theory of Personality), that, essentially take in information, give it meaning, categorize it, and then like most any other information we take in, seeps in to the thinking and consequently, the behavior of our lives.
And the list goes on.
My self-identity was completely disrupted, and fused with the broken, highly active haywire-like cords of depression.
For the longest I thought, “I can get a new job one day or maybe someone will see I am worth more than $7.25 an hour; or perhaps change their mind and let me go to school so I can become something more than some human cleaning stupid fucking toilet bowels and sweeping these bitch-ass fucking floors all day.”
I was waiting for everything around me to change, in addition to thinking all of my problems were beyond my own self; my spirit slowly melting away.
I will say though: it is hard to accept you are wrong.
That, you are the problem.
However, in doing so, and this is what I am finding out (shout out Aaron T. Beck), our life, can be improved by working on, us.
Completely letting go of what’s wrong outside of me, and dedicating every ounce of energy to straighten up the chaos inside.
What I discovered, is, that was the place for the most needed work.
Further, the most important area we could possibly, in any way, want to be improved that would excel our chances at becoming healthier and for the ambitious, super successful, is the one within.
The thing about that, is that it is tough.
Especially if you are an Oscar the Grouch type, like me, and have never really looked inside because you’re too busy complaining about the racket Mr. Snuffleupagus and Elmo’s god-forsaken singing is making outside the can.
Be that as it may, it is not only a place to learn to feel better, but one that, if consistent effort is placed upon its cleaning, our potential in life sky rockets.
If life is all jacked up, it could help to start within.
We may not be ready to change some things in our lives as our character needs some development, but we can always, like right now, see what’s going on in the inside.
Food for Thought.
And, it’s okay if we are the problem, as, we hold the capacity to fix what is broken.